I wanna take up space.
(Angie McMahon)
I do not often think about why I write. I usually write in different places for different reasons, and not everything I put into words is meant to be read by someone else. There is this very blog here, of course, and there is also my Bujo notebook where notes, tasks, and all sorts of rants are stored.
Lately I have found myself sending small comments on the films I watch to a friend. It started off as a joke about my love for cinema, but they greatly underestimated my desire to share. Nothing serious, though. Five, maybe ten lines containing my thoughts on a film and that is it.
Nevertheless, after a while I noticed something. I noticed that when I am explicitly addressing somebody, I write much better. Maybe it has do with my language of choice. The small reviews I send are all written in Italian, which is the language I feel more confident with when I write, especially after some years at university. Or maybe it has to do with the feeling of having someone truly on the other side, someone I know and with whom a certain degree of confidence has been established prior to the exchange.
The things is, unless it is in my notebook, I always write for somebody other than me. This blog, for instance, is clearly not just an excuse for English practice. When I write, I am looking for a kindred spirit. I share not because I want everyone to know I care a lot, but because I wish to reach people who care enough. Recent experiences have showed me that I had been looking too far away. Deep and significant connections demand shorter distance and physical presence.
This is not to say that long-distance friendships never work. I have been into one for almost twenty years, and every time I receive news from this friend it is an emotion in and for itself. We both know, however, that a phone call, a message, or an e-mail will only take us so far. Our lives follow paths that never cross, thus we end up writing each other recaps in which one of us is not really a part of.
For my writings to mean something I must look elsewhere, somewhere closer to my blank page than I thought. Will this realisation lead the blog towards another direction? I am not sure yet. Most probably I will not stop writing in English, but even if I see room for updates in Italian from now on, I also need to understand what makes sense to share and what does not. One thing will not change, though: I will keep writing.